In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
