2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
