Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
