I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she told me i tasted like america
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
