I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
