I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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