i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I am one with the molecules
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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