I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
