There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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