So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
