Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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