a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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