I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
