Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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