i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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