I can text with my tongue
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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