My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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