Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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