in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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