The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
this must be what syphilis tastes like
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
