The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
