Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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