Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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