I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
