The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
