you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
