I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
