You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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