I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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