Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
