In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
