I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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