Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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