HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
