Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
