OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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