im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think my moral compass just broke
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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