At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize