i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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