just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
