Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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