just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
