Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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