Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
