I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
