the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
