meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
