No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
