I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
