i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
