So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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