do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
