I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
