When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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