dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I still have a little drunk in my system
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
